dimplegirl78

in this world, trust is rare

i am not often speechless …but when i am its because i just find the situation so mind boggling that not only does it bother me inside..it hurts my feelings

i know that constantly being online etc, my life isnt private. but i would think that the people that perhaps read what i write, are my friends or see me in passing…have a bit of respect for me and maybe not air me out.

because regardless of what you might think about me or think you know about me, i would never do that to anyone.

i am the kind of person that if you tell me good news, i buy you a card to say congrats

if you tell me bad news, even though hugging hurts me physically, i will give you the tighest hug i can.

if you only have 10 dollars in your pocket and i have 20…i will give it to you

if you have nothing to wear to an event, i open my closet for you

if you need an ear to vent about life and its turns, not only do i give you my ear but my shoulder as well.

you might look at me and not think im nice and generous and caring..but i am..when you get to know me properly and treat me as you would like to be treated. it is the golden rule.

so it hurts me when people misunderstand me. and are quick to judge.

yes i deal with alot in my life. more than many people should. my past has also been filled with many detours of happiness and saddness. but its made me who i am today. and even though physically i am not who i used to be or where i want to be, who i am inside is still the same.

so when i open my doors online and either vent, take a pic of the food im eating, post funny pictures..its because i trust and respect you as the person reading this to know..hey that’s just mabel being mabel.

but when you misread what i do..and perhaps take it personal then you really do not know me.

for many years i have secrectly been writing a badly constructed book on my life. because i feel that many can learn from it. and i have been through alot in my short 31 soon to be 32 years.

i never intended for anyone to read it. but i think that maybe now i should. that way people know where i am coming from.

its not easy being in my shoes right now. even i am not happy being in my shoes right now…because i do not like not having control over my illness. and i really wish people would understand that.

i am not sure what to say without saying too much( even though i feel like i wrote 80 gazillion paragraphs already..hahah)

i write to express my feelings, writing to me is therapy.

so to you , the people reading this…i want you to know, that even though on the exterior i might seem strong and a bitch. i am not. i have feelings…feelings that get hurt when trust is broken or when people read things and don’t understand why i wrote it or where i am coming from.

1 week ago 2 notes

does anyone care to scream?

I am not sure where to start since I am feeling like a broken record here.

But ok…I have fibromyalgia. I am in constant pain. I am very frustrated because I am no longer able to do things that I used to do. I do not like getting stressed out because when I am stressed I tend to have a flare up. I do not like the fact that I push myself everyday to function and people still find the need to tell me “ fight it, don’t let it get to you..” as if this was a 500lb sumo wrestler.

It might as well be, because currently I feel like that sumo wrestler is on my back.

I am on edge lately because of two things.

1.New medication. Lyrica….not sure how I feel about it. But it has made me more aware that I am in PAIN. So I think it’s not doing its job. But I also think my body needs to adjust. Either way its fucking annoying the shit out of me because this week my body hates me and is making it nearly impossible for me to function

2.People. Yes I said people. A few individuals in my life make my life extremely stressful.

Stress is not good for someone with fibromyalgia. So why stress me out! WHY. WHY stress me and then ask me if you can help me with anything. OK help me by not being all in my grill and stressing me out! Please don’t ask me if my doctors have found a cure or a way to take my pain away…because that is an insult. You totally just insulted me and my illness with such ridiculous jabber. If there was a “cure” then I would be “cured”! If my doctors found a way to manage my pain, then I would not be in pain now would I ????

The weather (currently snowing and rain) is not helping me either. I would like to stay at home and rest, but that is as likely as me playing double dutch with tim gunn. Not gonna happen.

I just would LOVE for everyone that knows me or interacts with me or sends me email or pretends they acknowledge me TO KNOW that HEY…I have a fucking illness. I don’t feel 100% all the fuckin time, I hate that I have this and the more that I have to be vocal about it because I have to get people to understand the more stressed I get the more pain i feel and the more frustrated this thing is.

Today is one of those days where my stress level is up the roof. To the point where my back right now feels as if its in a vice grip from hell. And yet I have to pretend like I am ok. Because no one wants a grumpy person near them

1 week ago 4 notes

an open letter ....

Hello. Let me introduce myself my name is FM aka Fibromyalgia. I reside in the muscles, joints and brain of your loved one. I can make them miserable with pain. I attack at any time all over and different parts of their body. No one knows where or when I will show up next. I might feel like a sharp hot poker, sunburn from the inside out, or maybe a twitch and other times I can hit with such force I can stop them in their tracks.

Your loved one might be talking to you and suddenly will not be able to find a word they would normally be able to come up with. They may feel frustrated and embarassed it’s such a scary feeling to think your losing your mind. Don’t think because you can’t see me that I am not there. I’m always here.

I’m the reason plans may get cancelled without notice. I’m the reason your loved one might need time alone to cry and then other times need to be engulfed in your love . I’m the reason they might seem fine one minute and in terrible pain the next. I’m the reason they might shoot out of bed in the middle of the night in pain. Your loved one will wake up in the mornings and sometimes can’t get out of bed.

They will have little energy fairly often and not be able to complete simple everyday tasks. The thing is your not able to get rid of me just yet. But until that day comes I will continue to live in your loved one and keep all of my promises.

Love FB aka (Fibromyalgia)

3 months ago 2 notes

so i fly off the handle..

dealing with FM is not easy.

especially those days where the pain is so great you really wish you didnt get up.

today is one of those days, i slept a total of 4 hours. and my back feels as if a metal bat went to it for batting practice.

what ppl dont understand is, when a person with fm, hasnt slept much, is in pain and feels guilty about vocalize their pain…they will fly off the handle in seconds.

i am really tired of trying to deal with this and pretending im ok and not being able to vocalize when i feel like a giant ouch.

i feel like a giant OUCH.

it seems this is the only forum i can sit and say it, and yes this is linked to my facebook, i dont care.

i figured if you all know on a constant basis how i feel, then maybe..MAYBE you can understand when i dont feel good or feel like being nice.

its hard to be nice when you are in pain. sorry it is.

so now i sit here. i have to get ready to go to an outing i commited to, and the only thing i can think about is my back.

to say i feel alone at this moment is very true.

i realized today that it is very hard for others to understand what i go through.

even something as simple as stairs hurts on a bad day. but g-d forbid i actually say that.

seeing a new dr, getting new pills..that works for a while..then what. the pain will always be there as a remindeder of what you used to be able to do and now cant.

the pain will always remind you that people should not expect to have a support system. the whole concept of a support system is kinda bullshit.

it only happens in lifetime for women movies or after school specials.

let me stop before i get a cease and desist speech.

ps. i also dont care if i misspelled anything. this is not a spelling bee contest

4 months ago

is the amount of pills i take daily.

4 months ago View Larger Image

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: fibromyalgia
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:2009
3. But I had symptoms since: i was 11 years old
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: walking without feeling pain
5. Most people assume: that i am lazy, or that my pain isnt that bad. but it is pretty bad at times, and im not lazy, im just very tired
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up and taking those few steps to the bathroom, realizing that my feet are numb and every step feels like needles and pins, yet i try not to complain about it, i just keep it to myself
7. My favorite medical TV show is: my life is a sitcom.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: i have a few: one is my kindle, IT HELPS SO MUCH just reading without having to turn a page, my wrists are very happy because of it. my ipod is another gadget, without music i would me lost. and my phone, its got a great camera on it. and hopefully soon a TENS machine to zap some of my pain away
9. The hardest part about nights are:sleeping, i cant sleep. and if i take my seroqul it makes me a zombie the next day, so i suffer tossing and turning and then having to get up
10. Each day I take 6 pills & vitamins. (No comments, please)
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:am all for it, right now conventional meds only help a small percentage
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: visable, because right now, its so hard to live like this. because i look ok on the outside , ppl assume im ok. BUT IM NOT, even sitting here typing this, im in pain, my hips hurt, my skin on my body feels like its on fire, if i werent at work i would take my clothes off because even wearing clothes hurt. i want to cry so bad, but i cant. because some ppl look at my illness as a weakness, and if i cry i will be weak. so i hold it in. but im not sure how much longer i can hold it in and ” manage my pain” PAIN IS NOT MANAGEABLE! and everyone that has FMS is differnt some ppl have it worse than others.
13. Regarding working and career:i work because i have to…if i dont work then i have no insurance and if i have no insurance i will have no weekly chiropractor sessions, or discounted med, etc.. but even being in the office 8-9 hours a day, kills me. i would love to work from home one day. as far as my career, well, ideally workign form home one day a week or two would be IDEAL. the commute, sittign down for hours, stress, annoyance etc…its hard on me
14. People would be surprised to know: that i feel awful for not keeping touch with certain friends of mine, but in truth, i forget. and by the time i remember, its too late and they are mad at me. and for this i have lost many dear friends. my fibro fog has sort of ruined my friendships.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:my weight gain and my sudden pain at random times. i dont like this at all
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: i havent reached that point yet in my illness, even walking hurts
17. The commercials about my illness: SUCK ASS.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:walking long distance, coming home and having energy to do things
19. It was really hard to have to give up:my social life. im too tired after work to socialize, all i want is to go home and rest. yet ppl can’t understand that. they think im being a flake or im dissing them, but im not, i need to relax. i cant be out all the time and get home late. i have issues with sleeping as it is. having fms has really turned my life sideways
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:soaking in a tub full of epsom salt while drinking wine, and bi-monthly massage therapy
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:walk all over nyc. go to as many fabric stores as i could, sew and enjoy the movement of the day
22. My illness has taught me: that as much as someone says they love you, if they dont understand the illness, they can never fully understand you therefore they cant really love you 100%
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:

“I DONT THINK YOU HAVE FIBROMYALGIA, I THINK ITS SOMETHING ELSE” “WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RESTING GET UP AND DO SOMETHING” “YOU DONT HAVE FIBROMYALGIA YOUR JUST LAZY”

24. But I love it when people: let me know someone in their family also has fms, and they know how hard it is
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:i dont have one…isnt that awful
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: im here for you
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:hot flashes, hate them
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: take me to their local swimming pool so i could swim some pain away :)
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:i have fibromyalgia, and im sick and tired of people not fully understanding the illness and assume it can be fixed .
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: a bit better, i have so many things to say about fms to all my friends, but i fear that if i do , i might lose more friends. or who knows

5 months ago 2 notes

in this world, trust is rare

does anyone care to scream?

an open letter ....

so i fly off the handle..

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

dimplegirl78

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