i am not often speechless …but when i am its because i just find the situation so mind boggling that not only does it bother me inside..it hurts my feelings

i know that constantly being online etc, my life isnt private. but i would think that the people that perhaps read what i write, are my friends or see me in passing…have a bit of respect for me and maybe not air me out.

because regardless of what you might think about me or think you know about me, i would never do that to anyone.

i am the kind of person that if you tell me good news, i buy you a card to say congrats

if you tell me bad news, even though hugging hurts me physically, i will give you the tighest hug i can.

if you only have 10 dollars in your pocket and i have 20…i will give it to you

if you have nothing to wear to an event, i open my closet for you

if you need an ear to vent about life and its turns, not only do i give you my ear but my shoulder as well.

you might look at me and not think im nice and generous and caring..but i am..when you get to know me properly and treat me as you would like to be treated. it is the golden rule.

so it hurts me when people misunderstand me. and are quick to judge.

yes i deal with alot in my life. more than many people should. my past has also been filled with many detours of happiness and saddness. but its made me who i am today. and even though physically i am not who i used to be or where i want to be, who i am inside is still the same.

so when i open my doors online and either vent, take a pic of the food im eating, post funny pictures..its because i trust and respect you as the person reading this to know..hey that’s just mabel being mabel.

but when you misread what i do..and perhaps take it personal then you really do not know me.

for many years i have secrectly been writing a badly constructed book on my life. because i feel that many can learn from it. and i have been through alot in my short 31 soon to be 32 years.

i never intended for anyone to read it. but i think that maybe now i should. that way people know where i am coming from.

its not easy being in my shoes right now. even i am not happy being in my shoes right now…because i do not like not having control over my illness. and i really wish people would understand that.

i am not sure what to say without saying too much( even though i feel like i wrote 80 gazillion paragraphs already..hahah)

i write to express my feelings, writing to me is therapy.

so to you , the people reading this…i want you to know, that even though on the exterior i might seem strong and a bitch. i am not. i have feelings…feelings that get hurt when trust is broken or when people read things and don’t understand why i wrote it or where i am coming from.